HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that’s the truth.

I would not make up this stuff.

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JEWISH HUMOR from MARTY ORENSTEIN

TEXAS JEW

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them. The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place ‘The Jolly Roger’.”

The second Texan says, “My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have5,000 head of cattle and they call my place ‘Big John’s’.”

They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, ”My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres.”

Roger looks down at him and says, “300 Acres? What do you raise?”

“Nothing,” says Irving.

“Well then, what do you call it?” asked John.

“Downtown Dallas.”

MOISHE

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: “You need to join the Army of God!”

Moishe replied: “I’m already in the Army of God, Rabbi.”

The rabbi questioned: “Then how come I don’t see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?” Moishe whispered back: “I’m in the secret service.”

IT HAPPENED IN SHUL

Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, “I’d like to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?”

The man answers, “Esther ben Moshe.”

The Rabbi says, “No, I need YOUR name.”

It’s Esther ben Moshe,” the man says.

How can that be your name?” asks the Rabbi.

The man answers, “I’ve been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife’s name.”

HIGH HOLIDAY

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service. One leaned over and whispered, “My tuchas is going to sleep.”

“I know,” replied her companion, “I heard it snore three times.”

THE JEWISH DOCTOR

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

She answered, “Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane.”

THE DIFFERENCE

The Italian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have wine.”

The Frenchman says, “I’m thirsty. I must have cognac.”

The Russian says, “I’m thirsty. I must have vodka.”

The German says, “I’m thirsty. I must have beer.”

The Mexican says, “I’m thirsty. I must have tequila.”

The Jewish man says, “I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

PHILANTHROPY

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him,” said the visitor. “What did he write?”

“A check,” replied the guide.

ROWING TEAM

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass., and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice. After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their secret,” he announces.

“What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shouted.

“We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.”

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Subject: History of NY Jews (not a joke but interesting)

 

 

Of Egg Creams, Ed Koch and 49 Other Facts You Didn’t Know About Jewish New York

 

A Guide to the World’s Most Jewish City Outside Israel

Man About Town: Bronx-born Milton Glaser designed the “INY” logo in 1977.

By Laila Caron

November 15, 2014

 

  1. The first Jews to set foot in North America arrived in New York as a group of 23 in 1654.
    2.Congregation Shearith Israel, founded in New York in 1654, was the first synagogue in the colonies. It was the sole purveyor of kosher meat until 1813.
    3. By the late 19th century, there were over 5,000 kosher butchers and 1,000 slaughterers in New York.
    4. In 1902, the Beef Trust raised the price of kosher meat on the Lower East Side from 12 to 18 cents per pound. After butchers’ boycotts proved ineffectual, 20,000 Lower East Side women stole meat from kosher butcher shops and set it on fire on the streets in protest. The Forward supported their efforts, running the headline “Bravo, Bravo, Bravo, Jewish women!”
    5. On March 25, 1911, the Triangle Shirtwaist fire claimed the lives of 146 garment workers, the majority of whom were Jewish immigrants. Reporting on the tragedy, the Forverts wrote that ‘the disaster is too great, to dreadful, to be able to express one’s feelings.”
    6. When entertainer Al Jolson came to New York City at age 14, he held jobs in the circus and as a singing waiter. Born to a cantor, Jolson’s career took off when he began performing in blackface.

 

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Al Jolson, 1930.

 

  1. In 1903, the Lower East Side Chinese and Jewish communities formed an unlikely partnership when Chinese organizers put on a benefit for Jewish victims of the Kishinev pogrom, raising $280.
    8.In 1930, there were over 80 pickle vendors in the Lower East Side’s thriving Jewish pickle scene. The briney delights were brought to America in the mid-19th century by German Jewish immigrants.
    9. The egg cream is thought to have been invented by the Jewish owner of a Brooklyn candy shop. musician Lou Reed was a famous admirer of the frothy drink.
    10. From the beginning of the 20th century till the close of World War II, the Lower East Side’s 2nd Avenue was known as the Yiddish Theater District, or the Jewish Rialto. It extended from 2nd Avenue to Avenue B, and from 14th Street to Houston. Considered Broadway’s competitor, the Jewish Rialto was home to a variety of productions including burlesque and vaudeville shows, as well as Shakespearean, Jewish and classic plays, and were all in Yiddish.
    11. The Jewish Rialto’s most popular haunt was the Cafe Royal on Second Avenue and 12th Street, where one could find performers such as Molly Picon and Charlie Chaplin sharing blintzes.

 

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Pushcart City: Pushcarts were all the rage among Jewish vendors on the Lower East Side from the turn of the century until 1940, when Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia banned their use. Jewish pushcart operators sold everything from vegetables to cigars to stockings.

 

  1. 12. Pushcarts were all the rage among Jewish vendors on the Lower East Side from the turn of the century until 1940, when Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia banned their use. Jewish pushcart operators sold everything from vegetables to cigars to stockings.
    At Sammy’s Roumanian Steak House on Chrystie and Delancey, every table is provided with a bottle of chicken fat as a condiment; resident emcee Dani Luv entertains diners with renditions of Jewish standards and punchy Borsht Belt humor.
    14.One of the first kosher Chinese restaurants in New York was Moshe Peking, whose all-Chinese waitstaff wore yarmulkes.
    15. The Second Avenue Deli opened in 1954 in the then-fading Yiddish Theater District. It featured a Yiddish Walk of Fame on the sidewalk outside its original location on Second Avenue and Tenth Street, and served up such Jewish specialties as matzo ball soup and corned beef. In 2007, it closed and reopened in Murray Hill.

 

Wikimedia Commons

A feast at the Second Avenue Deli

 

  1. Famed music club CBGB was opened in 1973 by Jewish founder Hilly Kristal.
    17.Mayor La Guardia, who served for three terms from 1934 to 1945, was born to a Jewish mother and descended from Rabbi Samuel David Luzzatto, but practiced as an Episcopalian.
  2. The Jacob K. Javits Convention Center was named in honor of the Jewish U.S. senator, who served from 1957 to 1981.
    19.Sig Klein’s Fat Men’s Shop opened in the late 1800s at 52 Third Ave., and carried plus-sized clothes for men. Its sign featured the slogan: “If everyone was fat there would be no war.”
    20. Abraham Beame was the first practicing Jew to become mayor of New York. He held office from 1974 to 1977.
    21. The popular and proudly Jewish mayor Ed Koch, who served from 1978 to 1989, was known for the phrase “How’m I doing?” which he would ask passersby while standing on street corners or riding the subway. Newsday called him the “ultimate New Yorker.”

 

Ed Koch reads the Forward

 

  1. The erection of the Brooklyn Bridge in 1883 and the Williamsburg Bridge in 1903 catalyzed a Jewish exodus from the Lower East Side to Southside Williamsburg. Crossing the bridge on foot, the LES’s Jews left in search of better living conditions.
    23.By 1930, more than 40% of New York City’s Jews lived in Brooklyn.
    24. Jewish-fronted band The Ramones formed in the Forest Hills neighborhood of Queens in 1974.
    25. Allen Ginsberg moved to New York to attend Columbia in 1943. He was purportedly related to seminal Zionist thinker Ahad Ha’am.
    26. Poet and kabbalist Lionel Ziprin entertained visitors including Thelonius Monk, Charlie Parker, and Bob Dylan in his Lower East Side living room, expounding for hours on Jewish esoterica and history.
    27. The bagel originated in Poland, and arrived in New York City in the 1880s in the hands of Eastern European Jewish immigrants.
    28. Three hundred all-Jewish New York bagel craftsmen formed a trade union in the early 1900s, the Bagel Bakers Local 338, which established standards for bagel production and conducted meetings in Yiddish.
    29. In December 1951, New York City was hit with what The New York Times termed the “bagel famine,” when a dispute between the members of the Bagel trade union and the Bagel Bakers association led to the closing of 32 out of 34 of the city’s bagel bakeries.

 

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New York bagels

 

  1. As a result of the bagel outage, the sale of lox dropped nearly 50%. Murray Nathan, who helped resolve an earlier lox strike in 1948, was brought in to mediate the situation. The outage lasted until February.
    31.Coney Island Bagels and Bialys, the oldest kosher bagel shop in New York, was set to close in 2011 until two Muslim businessmen, Peerzada Shah and Zafaryab Ali, bought the store and promised to keep it kosher. Ali had previously worked at the shop for 10 years. 32. Lou Reed was born in Brooklyn, and in 1989 released an album whose title, “New York,” paid tribute to the city.
    33. In a reinterpretation of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven,” Lou Reed asked the four questions at the Downtown Seder at the Museum of Jewish Heritage in 2004.
    34. Musician Lenny Kaye was born in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan in 1946. He met Patti Smith while working at Village Oldies on Bleecker Street and went on to become a member of the Patti Smith Group.
    35. Starting in the 1970s, hundreds of thousands of Jews left the Soviet Union for New York, many settling in Brighton Beach, which came to be known as “Little Odessa.”
    36. Established in 1927, Kehila Kedosha Janina at 280 Broome St. is the last remaining Greek Jewish synagogue in the Western Hemisphere.
    37. Streit’s Matzo Company, the last remaining neighborhood matzo factory, stands at 148-150 Rivington St.

 

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Streit’s Matzo

 

  1. The oldest Orthodox Jewish Russian congregation in the United States, Beth Hamedrash Hagadol, is still active at 60 Norfolk St.
    39.On the corner of Essex and Rutgers, down the street from the original Forverts building on Seward Park, the Garden Cafeteria served as a gathering place for Jewish actors, artists and playwrights such as Sholem Aleichem and Isaac Bashevis Singer from 1941 to 1983. It became Wing Shing, a Chinese restaurant, in 1985, and now houses Reena Spaulings Fine Art.
    40. Seward Park on the Lower East Side was created in 1900. New immigrants worked in the park’s artisan market, and on special occasions such as elections, thousands gathered in the park to watch the Forverts’s flashing news sign in Yiddish.
    41. Jewish gangs rose to prominence during the Prohibition; at a conference in New York in 1931, Jewish gangsters agreed to partner with Italian Americans, and together remained the most dominant groups in organized crime until several decades after WWII.
    42. After an appeal from a New York judge, Nathan Perlman, Jewish gangster Meyer Lansky and members of Murder Inc. broke up Nazi rallies around the city for over a year, with the one stipulation that there be no killing.
    43. Lines of a sonnet by Sephardic poet Emma Lazarus, who was born in New York City in 1847, are inscribed on the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty.

 

Getty Images

 

  1. The house that stands at 770 Eastern Parkwayin the Crown Heights neighborhood of Brooklyn is the center and spiritual home of the Chabad-Lubavitch movement. Formerly inhabited by Chabad’s late leader Menachem Mendel Schneerson, Lubavitchers have built replicas of the building all over the world to serve as movement outposts.
    45. The first Reform congregation in New York City, Temple Emanu-El, was founded in 1845 by 33 mostly German Jews, and moved to its present location in 1929. Members have included Joan Rivers and Michael Bloomberg.
    46. As large numbers of German Jews fleeing Nazi persecution made their homes in Washington Heights in the mid-1930s, the area was dubbed “Frankfurt on the Hudson.”
    47. Sweet ‘n’ Low was invented in 1957 in Brooklyn by Benjamin Eisenstadt.
    48. Bronx-born Milton Glaser designed the “INY” logo in 1977.
    49. Eight hasidic dynasties are headquartered in the Borough Park neighborhood of Brooklyn.
    50. Outside of Israel, New York City is home to the largest population of Jews in the world.
    51. As of 2011, 1 in 6 households in New York were Jewish.
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Millennials: Climate Change Is World’s Biggest Problem  

 Lorraine Chow

Sep. 07, 2017 10:32AM EST

March for Science. Molly Adams / Flickr

Far and wide, young people consider climate change to be the world’s most serious issue, according to the World Economic Forum’s 2017 Global Shaper Survey of more than 31,000 millennials from 186 countries and territories.

Close to half (48.8 percent) of those surveyed chose “climate change/destruction of nature” as their No. 1 concern. This is the third year in a row that 18-to-35-year-olds declared the issue as their biggest global concern.

The vast majority of survey participants also agreed about what causes climate change—91 percent answered “agree” and “strongly agree” with the statement “science has proven that humans are responsible for climate change.”

About 78 percent of respondents also said they are willing to change their lifestyle to protect the environment.

Millennials are a major voting bloc in the U.S., accounting for 36 percent of eligible voters in the 2016 election. Population estimates from the U.S. Census Bureau in 2016 also found that millennials surpassed Baby Boomers as the nation’s largest living generation.

But on a sad but related note, the new survey found that more than half (56 percent) of millennials believe that their views are ignored before important decisions are taken in their country.

“By wide margin, millennials (who will be here for decades to come) say climate change is worst problem world faces,” tweeted Bill McKibben, environmentalist and founder of 350.org, about the survey’s results.

Following climate change, “Large scale conflicts” (38.9 percent) and “Inequality” (30.8 percent) was voted as the second and third most serious global issue, respectively.

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Trump Telephone Call to Iran

TELL ME THAT YOU CAN JUST SEE THIS TELEPHONE CALL TAKING PLACE EXACTLY AS IT’S WRITTEN, WITH 6 MONTHS OF TRUMP IN OFFICE.  THERE CAN BE LOTS OF HUMOR IN THE TRUMP WHITEHOUSE WITHOUT THE ANGST!!!!  I LOVE THIS ONE!!!!

 

khamenei calls Trump on the phone

 

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei calls Trump and tells him, “Donald, stay out of office. because last night I had a wonderful dream. I could see America , your whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.” 

“What did it say on the banners?” Trump asks. 

Ali replies, “United States of Iran.” 

Trump says, “You know, Ali, I’m really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and it too was beautiful for the first time in generations, and on each house flew a HUGE banner.” 

“What did it say on the banners?” Ali asks. 

Trump replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”

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Yiddish Curses for Republican Jews

 

  • May you sell everything and retire to Florida just as global warming makes it uninhabitable.
  • May you live to a hundred and twenty without Social Security or Medicare.
  • May you make a fortune, and lose it all in one of Sheldon Adelson’s casinos.
  • May you live to a ripe old age, and may the only people who come visit you be Mormon missionaries.
  • May your son be elected President, and may you have no idea what you did with his goddamn birth certificate.
  • May your grandchildren baptize you after you’re dead.
  • May your insurance company decide constipation is a pre-existing condition.
  • May you find yourself insisting to a roomful of skeptics that your great-grandmother was “legitimately” raped by Cossacks.
  • May you feast every day on chopped liver with onions, chicken soup with dumplings, baked carp with horseradish, braised meat with vegetable stew, latkes, and may every bite of it be contaminated with E. Coli, because the government gutted the E.P.A.
  • May you have a rare disease and need an operation that only one surgeon in the world, the winner of the Nobel Prize for Medicine, is able to perform. And may he be unable to perform it because he doesn’t take your insurance. And may that Nobel Laureate be your son.
  • May the state of Arizona expand their definition of “suspected illegal immigrants” to “anyone who doesn’t hunt.”
  • May you be reunited in the world to come with your ancestors, who were all socialist garment workers.
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WHEN GOD SENDS YOU HELP, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

 

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

 

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

 

She said: “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

 

He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute, the car door was open. She hugged the man and through tears, softly said,

 

“Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”

 

The man heard her little prayer and replied, “lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”

 

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional.”

 

IS GOD GREAT OR WHAT!?!

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